Mr.

Mr. Not Worth It.

Mr. Not My Style.

Mr. You Think I Am Crazy,

You Think I Jealous,

Selfish,

Arrogant,and All About Me.

Mr. Watch Me As I Leave You Brilliantly,
Right Out Of Your Life.

For if I am M. Retreat...
'Ms. Gotcha Off-Beat.'

Also, know that I am future Mrs. President...
A future Mrs. Success,
while you continued to be Mr. Fallow.

I am Ms. Authentic.

Ms. Christian, blessed with His Power to not listen to the woes of Mr. Bring Me Down,
by his Mr. I am Perfect spell.

-With your Mr. I am Trapped Within Myself Soul.

Goodbye, Mr. Not Worth It, Would Be Mr. Self Defeat.

i need a Mr. Encouraging.

A Mr. Neurotic, but Hero at the same time.

Not Mr. Lie.

I need a Mr. Rainbow His Own Treasurer Chest Sent With His Own Blessings.

What I need is a Mr. Self-Control,
and worthy to receive a divinely created and beautiful just Ms. "Lil ole Me."

I Flirt...

Antagonists? Yes, I have flirted with it.

opportunists? Yes, I have flirted with it.

Habits? Yes, I have flirted with it.

Cyclical vices to change my focus, and captivate my authenticity? Yes, I have flirted with it.

Social awkwardness, to reality, back to skepticism, back to clarity, back to social nothingness, to personal discovery of my youth? Yes, I have flirted with it.

Not to excuse my worldly complacency or vices, not to conform to the secular onslaught of horrendous euphemisms you think I took and repeatedly convey, no, not the wicked of those spirited dangers-before my growth is matured and harvested abundantly to grave detail? Yes, I flirt with it.

The simple solutions are the worst; I cannot find my choice, as ‘fickled’ as I am perceived to not find the answers to daily regiments? I flirt with it.

The brutal truth, and you find a tragic and formidable lie, again I let Him know the authenticity of my divine precision and legitimate, genuine chance-yes, I do and have flirted with it.

Ask me again do my words or my ideas make sense? So, I find the need to follow to society’s tradition or in-authentic and glamorous conveyance of societal norms? No, and I flirt with it.

My focus found by my mention with God and this pen? I flirt with it deliberately.

And as a matter of chance, I paint my feelings too? Very, analytically to the world, I suppose. But again I am mightily and preposterously, seen, to just flirt with it.

Politics-

Philosophy-

Feminism-

Mentorship-

I flirt too.

As a person I am seen a naive and robust child. My innocence comes back to afford you with a dream to not just flirt with it, for my own again. In the joy and love of my life, whether right or wrong, He leads me and others and myself on an unintentional escape to have faith, love, be compassionate, strong, weak, human, grow, mature, ignorant, knowledgeable, understanding, encouraging, different, and bold-so I can flirt with it.

TO flirt with all the faculties, functions and purposes of my divine and gifted life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xZPMlCkDY8&NR=1

When Opposites Collide: the Pseudo -Blood-Brother Saga!!

Part one-the disastrous mess?!

I was intrigued this morning while observing two of my very close friends. The two are best guy friends who live together. They continuously annoy each other in everyday regards of simple house duties. However, I was reminded of the movie, “Knotting Hill.” One continues to ‘keep the house-up,’ while the other, "flat-mate,” does not hold a job regularly and tries desperately to keep order, but carelessly finds some way not to do it exactly right. For these two platonic-domestic partners, they have been friends for 20 years. And live together about 5 of them. SO, you can estimate they have a profound knowledge on how to deal with one another and cope with the significant rigors of arrogant annoyances they continue to tolerate. However, they now are weaning-in on a transformative stage in their process.

I came in and an observed them arrogantly pre-disposed with passive-aggressive conveyances of intrigue. One washes dishes...one item at a time, while the other allows all the items to pile up to create an entire sink-full of dishes, before he either does it or gets entirely distracted and never comes back to the task. In return of not coming back to the original task, the “Flat-Mate,” character, the more carless one fails to honor his regiment. In fact, the other more responsible party solves the dilemma by resolving the issue and just doing the dishes.

Now, why do I introduce this mere mundane and menial relationship? Because the plot has thickened, juristically; basically, the Responsible Party was gone for six (6 weeks) away on the road. The careless Flate-mate, although an extreme ‘type A’ has to regulate everything into a systematic chance of order, things are straighten; however, they are not clean. For all intents and purposes, we will call the Responsible Party, Mr. R.

Mr. R comes back. The floor is not vacuumed. Dishes are washed (since I did them). His room was not cleaned after a visit from a friend (sheets, bathroom, towels). To make matters worse, the walls were not painted for the house inspection coming-up to renew the lease.

The carless, Flat-mate, we’ll just call him Flat-mate.

So getting back on track, Flat-mate in a drunken-belligerent-stupor with his ‘Bro-hances’ or “Bro-steers’ injured two interior walls in the party/dining area, and while carrying a large television upstairs also injured the staircase walls. Now, you may ask? Why do you care? Well, not that you would at all?

However, now the two get very entertaining. Let’s get back to their lease renewal. Not happening. Why?

Part II. Should I intervene?

Flat-mate spills the beans, when asked by the neighbors, “What are they paying in rent?” Carless flat-mate without thinking informs the neighbors what they are paying. Why is it important not to tell? Because they knowingly, understand their neighbors moved-in after them, and are currently paying more. Mind you, all these scenarios are going-on without the consent or knowledge to Mr. R. Mr. R comes back to find his house in shambles, and now is informed by the Landlord rent is going up 30%. But wait!!!

Landlords just called again, Mr. R, now finds his rent through ‘cautious’ means has went from going-up, to the place being rented-out to another lease-holder entirely. At this time, Mr. R and Flat-mate must be out within two months.
The friends are in a disastrous zone. They do not communicate directly. I get caught in the middle.

Why? Because, for the sake of excluding conflict, they do not confront the other at all, they will tell you that is “how they work!” As complacent as all of the non-communication maybe, their dysfunction is functioning very well for them. As the saying goes, ‘If it is not broke, don’t fix it.’

Now, I find myself put-out of the zone of intrigue and passive-aggressive debate by the two dysfunctional brothers. However, they now find unity in their distrust of me and find unity amongst themselves. Now what happened to get to this point?
As you may guess when two friends of the opposite sex spend much fascinating time together, we were… what is the term the kids use today, oh yeah, “feeling each other.”

You are excited I see?
Was it Mr. R or the Flat-mate?

II. How does it end?

As carless as his tendencies persist, and as deprived as his common-sense maybe, I was, “feelin,” the Flat-mate. However, similarly to Mr. R, to get out of a ‘cyclical cycle’ as Flat-mate used to describe my afforded disposition with him, it was the other way around. You see, not taking responsibility and using excuses to progress your need for, “get-it-together,” and, “really?” will surround yourself with either losing those who get to a point where you just cannot deal with it, or accept it.

Given, that I have my own past that I working–on and am encouraged by a great group of non-discounted, few close buddies and MY GOD... I am growing. But in accordance to not being passive aggressive, I did honestly find myself reciprocating the effort of ‘cyclical’ montage of past events. The monotony, while playing the events back in my head like a ‘movie-reel’, I know that each time I went back (enjoying myself fiercely and un-excusably for a time) or would go to a new point of trying to work it out. Although, just some things cannot work out.

Until, Mr. Flat-mate is willing to grow-up and take responsibility, he will continue to pawn his awkward-internal world as a mystical and enlightening façade to the outer realm of real-life living. Rather, he may also have the option to receive a woman in his life who loves all his tendencies and will love him for him. What do I mean by this?

He is great at passing blame on onto others for his own mis-comings and patents each circumstance, as a dismissive fault onto others. Again he patents and is quite gifted in revealing your clear areas of improvement, but will not take his own recommended criticisms into belief and apply them to his own mature-needed growth.
Mr. R and Flat-mate were very re-united by a third intervening party. When asked on-line by a third party what happened with Flat-mate? I responded giving a vague comprehensive summary of the final, “I cannot take this shit anymore fiasco,” reported to the two 20 year ‘bro-hansters’ that I in fact called them gay. To the contrary, I reported in the final correspondence in the thread that “besides, lol, l can’t break-up their platonic domestic partnership, lol” jokingly. I guess they can kid around amongst themselves, but the theory is, “don’t mess wit my brudder!” lol.

No matter what I have, I had fun-times with Mr. R and Flat-mate.

I love them both and wish them the best.

I am "country strong" on Mother's Day.

I was watching the movie, “Country Strong,” and Beau says that Kelly Canter could not handle both fame and love (Sony Pictures, 2010). I wondered is this, ‘my fate?’ Is this why I have not stumbled upon someone to love me, for me? But what I can offer then? Or be a man’s trophy upon his arm. Or to be defeated by a façade which turns out to be again for recreational use? “Hmmmm, Is this my fate?”

I have felt closer to God than ever before, over the past few years. He has shown me that my greatest love cannot know me in that way, yet, because I took him for granted. “Is this my greatest vice?” I ask myself again.

The bike accident last week, the car accident. My grandfather gone. My mother going to a funeral for mother’s day. I struggle with friends who are not there for me, and others I do not have the trust with yet. I struggle with someone, God keeps from me.

I struggle with money. Then I live up to the public image while, I now struggle with alcoholism. I handle things on my own through mediation with my Farther. How hard it was last night letting Mother’s Day get to me, while relaxing and watching this very intense movie. I wanted to reach for the bottle of Jack, I harbor upon the top first shelf of my hanging bookcase separating my small efficiency kitchen from the main room of my very humble one-room studio apartment.

I wanted to call Chuck my best friend, whom I prayed to not exactly replace another friend. But, truth is the other friend is now getting married and has cut me off from his life living in his own imaginative world. He told his now fiancé, I wanted be in a relationship with him. You can gather I never did and still do not. However, I lay vast… by myself tormented and praying. I want the taste of the Jack in my mouth to relax me and remedy my problems. Then again, I know I cannot. How I urge to use! How I desire Jack to be my device of relaxation.

Then, I stopped because the defeat cannot be of my own making. Drinking till I cannot stop with gut-wrenching exposure to very high-risk behavior. I cannot transpose myself to the misery upon the taste of that bottle. I stopped.

I understood the character of Canter, someone once strong-dying to her own devices; she giving into her bad self-abusing habits (Sony Pictures, 2011).

Then again, I talk to ‘Chuckles’ and let all come out!?

He asks, “have you eaten?”

I say, “no!” As I try to push him away.

Then I say, “Yes, I have eaten well today. That is now, what it is. I haven’t written or painted in a while.”

He says, “Carry, you need to let it out!”

He says, “Maybe you should get back to yourself.”

Then my phone dies. I watch the rest of the movie. I remember the sadness I felt when I lost both grandparents, while going through puberty, lost my first love, my best friends all pushed me away, and I became a prisoner within my own world.

I remember the poem I first wrote, contemplating the horrors of death and trying to figure out, “why?” And then I became obsessed with the idea of death. it Just so happened, while I remember that summer watching an old series of, “ Dark Shadows,” (Dan Curtis Productions, 1966-1971) with my mother, I discovered the character of Barnabus Collins, and Elizabeth Collins, who were buried alive. Coincidentally, ‘Vicki’ on, “One Life to Live,” (ABC, 1993) was also experiencing the same story-line.

Comparatively, I felt almost like I was buried alive by the world who seeks to exploit and seek division in me.

I had no one: My mom working, my farther sick with epilepsy & his normal health problems. I remember this was the defining summer of my 14th year of existence. I began to transform and discover myself through writing and self-reflection.
Now, I draw back and understand the new premise for my existence through all the turmoil, I face with God: testing me in order to understand my future blessings.

I stop as I am about to fall asleep and remember the words I first wrote on paper……
I am drowning deep in my sleep…
…… in a coffin dead but alive.
Pouring aloud with ideas in my head.
No time for worry or sorrow.
Free from sickness and pain.
Just enough time to be Rushing free like a bee that just won’t die.
Fleeing endlessly, flying to another sky.
But again I lay a steel magnolia buried 10 degrees deep…..
Buried alive!

I added the last two lines, which I do not completely remember to describe how I feel, dealing with my new captivity from my disease of alcoholism. I can conquer alcoholism myself! Who is my sponsor? God, Jesus, Christ; and best friend, Chuck, who listen’s without repute. He gives me God’s grace as His vessel and to keep me away from harming self-defeat.

Now time to paint and self-reflection!

A Tribute to A Soul Lost

• I am in love with your spirit and the integrity, trapped within the cages of your interior.
While, I will always want you I am taken with your friendship and indebted to your guided protection.
Your tears of guilt and sorrow illuminate my heart with the integrity you shine on me.
Oh! sweet Sagittariious lay your sweet lips upon this Virgonian breast with your sultry might!
Be my first class tempter in my escape to trust in the unknown...
As I lose control, I allow you to be my Beowolf.
And I your Austin, my 'Muslim wanderer'.
Just like you were intrigued with me when I told, "You to come with me,"...
... I am in intermission awaiting for the only man strong enough for me.
-To take his lead
-To have his turn to control me.
There I will be your great sense to the extraordinary and profound life of a Steal Magnolia, "keepin it real," awaiting for her King to take his thrown.
Oh, Beowolf! Overcome the known and have the courage to declare victory of your fear!
Be that is of what Gods beckonath to be...
To be one and set our single hearts free!
Partake in the destiny we hold.
You are the Ying...
The missing puzzle piece of the Yang.
In unison we are the stronger.
Alone you are the wiser strand of subtlety.
And I am the sensibility of the degree of my feminist forethought.
While, I alone am the stronger and bolder...
MY pride to succumb to the prejudice of your masculine adversity...
My heart is reserved for your invitation..
While God keeps me captive...
I the prisoner to await the journey ahead.
He shall keep me at peace till your anointed destiny is taken in full armor.
Your fullest potential and position... .....that level tis not reached
But when you come, you will be that of the great, which will be the master of the highest in the throne of 'Kings of Ole'.
Now, we are the souls of a passionate phenomenon to compel the harmonious flow.
Sir take your road, and together when you unite with me, we will rule together with victory, unity and truth.
Rather than past complete pandemonium in our lives...
We are the cultivation and the manifestation of irreparable completion.
You are my end....
...Until, I am gone and completely taken by the wind and disintegrated in the clay.
I am your best...
...And your retreat
Until tomorrow due what whilst show...
But for now, I am driven to wander in the unknown
Till my spirit reunites with your physical body, I am in the depths of Your thoughts and in the presence of your understanding.
I am within you...
... As you within I.
And together we are united in Jehovah, God, Allah in Christ.
I thought my joy was taken by another and was lost forever...
...But your flavor was blessed upon me and my joy is alive and redeemed inside me.
The formula was the Gift of God to be eternally connected for all time.
I'm not your prisoner in your captivity.
I'm am the saved one.
I am the glorified.
I am of the anointed.
You through God brings revived strength.
You bring me into my adult life.
For what I find in you alone, is a we!
Oh, blessed hero come rescue me!
I'll be here...
Just speak the word.
We are the enlightened.
We are the foundation.
We are the achieved.
We are not the failed.
For if you give me your wisdom,
I'll give you my heart.
Let's be the truth!:)
Now Sir proclaim Amen...now that I've told you that I Love You!:)

Destined Place

• When the electricity between our two hearts collide a cosmic reaction occurs.

Like when the red ferns are in bloom.

When destiny penetrates there is only one certain resolution-

There is no certain end.

Why adapt when thy can confront?

I a carpet bagger search for humble retreat.

The atonement of thy mercy is pressed within thy womb.

Give me a thimble and I will give you a mountain.

Give me your spirit and I will give you my soul.

Give me only modest courtesy, will only bring defeat.

A transaction is a must...

Yield prosperous inquiry...

And you shed no defeat.

Definitive purpose...

Vicarious spoil...

The garden in harvest...

The berries aboil stew mischief indeed...

The witch casts her spell, I run in worried escape....

I flee to my destined place.

The Shrangrila persists with only God and I alone.

Till he casts me down below the wandering clouds...

I am reserved for proper use.

You are intrigued to your own discovery and education of self worth

I the legendary...

recall no time...

But the will of your disenchantment is the revolution you must leave.

To withdraw is to bring Genesis to anew...

I am immersed in glory and relief.

Arthur come..

I is yours.

Till tomorrow
Till tomorrow
Till tomorrow

When the rivers come to the sea...

I float immersed in the constant flow...

Till the Mississippi reaches the Atlantic..

I wait
I wait
I wait.

Till you come to our...
To our
To our

Destined place.

• The Changing Rhythm in the Storm of Time

Underappreciated

Nostalgic sentiments

Memories Spoken

Reality Drifts Away

With the tides of turmoil

And Storm of Change

Clouds busting and raining

Regret ALAS

Spontaneity

Convicted Disbelief

Convoluted Trespasses

Undermining Hate

Defeat not reckoned

Physical Agility

To halt

To Stop

BREATH

Let it go…

Mental thirst quenched

Thirst for change…

..Stopped

Defeated by practicality

Give to earnest credibility

…to hasten sensibility

Let it assimilate you…

Let it motivate you as you whisper gloriously to your heart

To circulate your mind

A new birth of ambition…

A new birth of freedom…

Recollect your tenacity…

However pardon those who are not equipped to understand

Drum beat

Drum beat

Pitter pat

String bellows

A rat-tat-tat

An anthem of Witt to multiply audacity

Public question motive as you offer a bountiful rebuttal

As you say to another, "hear them, it is not that they ask why, but as they do not, you ask why not?"

And you conclude fate and wisdom to the Ode of 'Pub-like debate'….you eloquently

..But not tragically concur that guilt is a human mechanism designed to broadcast insecurity and a willfully desired deduction to enact servitude to cheat and ignore change

BUT you know that change is a way of life…

And while it can break you, you know change is a mighty tale of honor…

Folklore you know this

Harness independence

Seek an agenda...But harness happiness in the beauty of the moment

..Then look back mitsfully

Let it give you a brief kiss of the past…

…To hold you in a delicate moment…

….a vacation from the regular and normalcy of today…

It is only a brief encounter of happiness, but one to carry you over from this glorious day to the sun-setting dawn of tomorrow…

Away you drift….

……drift away….good sir…..

Let it keep you, while you silently and secretly…..drift away…………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………Drift into the wilderness of change.